A leap of faith- Deamus Fanfic
by Hannahmaezy
Summary: I wrote this at night just because I felt like writing something, and Deamus (Dean/Seamus) immediately came to mind. All characters do not belong to me, I'm just borrowing them. Hope you like it :) Trigger warning: suicide mentioned.


By Hannah McLaren

"Shamus?"

He could see the silhouette of the other boy standing at the foot of his bed in the dark, after having pushed the curtains to the side and then replacing them behind him, shutting them in together. It felt oddly intimate and private for the both of them to be together while the other boys in the dormitory were sleeping.

"Dean, do you know what time it is?"

"Yes, I know it's late, but I couldn't sleep. I was too busy… thinking… my mind wouldn't slow down." That was unlike Dean. After knowing him for five years, it was easy to tell that his mind was almost always slow.

"Thinking about what?"

"Well… You." He was whispering, careful not to wake up the other members of the dorm. However he was speaking just loud enough for Shamus to hear the incredibly distracting, husky tone of his voice. If he didn't know better he would have thought it would have been because of the situation that they were in, however it was obvious that the reason was his lack of sleep.

"Me? What's so interesting about me that you're losing sleep over it?" it was almost irrediculous, dean, staying up at night think about me? It seemed impossible, despite all of the nights I had spent doing the exact same thing.

"It's just that, I'm worried about you shamus. You never seem happy anymore." He was using the same tone of voice that he used while he was talking about his drawings or schoolwork. This was serious to him, and it would be wrong to deny him a reason, but I can't tell him, I just can't.

"What are you talking about? I'm happy all the time. See?" I flashed him the biggest smile I could manage at 3 in the morning and hoped that he could see it in the dark.

"No you're not, Shamus, I can tell. You used to be happy all the time, but now it's just like… you lost the fire in your eyes. You smile but you never mean it. At first I thought it was because of this whole thing with Voldemort, but whenever I mention it to you, you just seem unfazed. What is it Shamus? You know you can tell me."

He walked around to the side of my bed and sat near my leg. I noticed that he didn't have much room, so I shifted to the side, freeing half the bed. He took the hint and lay down beside me on top of the blankets.

"Well, I have a couple of things to tell you."

"Go on…"

"I… um well, I think I might be gay."

"Oh come on Shamus, you know that's not a big deal to me. I should be the easiest to tell, if not because I'm your best friend but because I also went through this. The whole coming out thing. Its history to me, and it should be for you too."

He's right, I shouldn't have made such a big deal about that, I mean, it's not like he's going to hate me for it or anything. He is gay too after all. But I seriously doubt he is going to react the same way when I tell him the rest. Or should I say _if_ I tell him the rest.

"I know, it's not the whole thing, just something I thought you should know."

"Okay," he sounded eager, "well then tell me the rest."

I shouldn't tell him. If I even want him to still be my friend after all this then I can't. And I really can't afford to lose him right now, especially since he is the one thing that is holding me together, even though he simultaneously pulls me apart.

"I can't…" he must have heard something in my voice, some reflection of my desperation to not let him find out, because instead of continuing to press for an answer he just looked over at me and caught my eyes, locking them in place.

"I know you better than you may think, you know." His voice suddenly got deeper, making the husky tones more audible, and almost taking over his normal, chipper Dean voice completely.

"I know." I was barely even able to spit those words out, and they came out in a breathy tone that sounded unlike myself.

Our faces were only inches apart and I could feel his warm breath stirring my hair, and sending shivers down my spine. It was too much for me, especially in my current train of thoughts, where even the thought of him made me want to punch him and press him up against a wall at the same time.

"So… I know that there is something you want to say, or something you want to do, or… _someone_... and right now, I want you to let yourself."

So I did.

I leant forwards and pressed my mouth up against his, softly at first, then hungrily as I realized how long I had wanted to do this for. I was overtaken at how much it instantly warmed up my body, making me realize how cold I had been before. And it was fast, way too fast, my brain couldn't process it. Before I knew it, he pulled away.

He pulled away… _Oh_ _Shit!_

I count say anything, all I could do was lie there breathing heavily and cursing at myself in my head. Luckily I didn't need to say anything, as Dean regained the ability to think much faster than I had.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pull away, It's just that it was… unexpected."

He sounded sad. Oh god, what had I done.

"Why don't we try again?"

And before I could say anything, his mouth, and this time instead of feeling incomprehensible, it felt right. I was actually kissing Dean! After all of these years I spent trying to hide my feelings for him I could have been shagging him senseless in the astronomy tower.

Talk about a waste of time.

But he did it again. He pulled away.

"What's wrong?" Did I do something wrong? Was I a terrible kisser?

"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I thought I could since I think you're really amazing and such a great person and I really didn't want to lose you as a friend, but I can't. I'm really sorry." His voice wavered on those last words. He was crying.

Was this really happening? Of course I had pictured rejection in my head countless times. To 'prepare myself' however no cruel daydream my mind could make up compared to this, getting him for a brief moment, and then having him torn away from me. It's like someone just ripped off all of the Band-Aids that were holding me together all at once without warning, and they tore some of me off along with them.

Without a word I got up and walked out of the dorm room, with no destination in mind, just away. As far away as I could get.

And I somehow ended up in the astronomy tower. I knew where this was going, and I decided that I wasn't going to fight it, in fact, I welcomed it.

Maybe I should take one last look around first. A look at the stars, and the forest, and trying to remember the beauty in the world. It's what people normally do, isn't it? Before they die? So I took my time, counting stars and wondering what was in the forest. It made no difference.

No number of shining lights in the sky, or magical creatures could patch up the twisted mess that I had become so quickly. I guess I should have had some idea that this was going to happen, with my string of bad days and depression, but still… I hoped that if I could have Dean then everything would be okay. The only thing that made me happy was Dean, he was like medication to me, a string of colours in the grey haze that everything had become. And… well let's just say that my prescription ran out.

I had to do this without thinking, without a single thought directed towards my mother, or towards my family. However I couldn't resist one last thought about the boy who had helped me for so long, and who probably still lay waiting on my bed, because for once he needed my help, for me to tell him that everything was alright even when it wasn't. I took a step up towards the railing.

And I jumped.


End file.
